39. Hyatt Hotel Hot Tub
2022Show notes
Mattie shares his experiences with his second wedding in a suit and his first time in a hot tub with another man. 😜
Transcript
Tap a timestamp or any sentence to play from there · machine transcribed (mlx:mlx-community/whisper-large-v3-turbo), expect mistakesMattieHi, I'm Mattie Cox. This is a show about gender, our minds, and all sorts of transitions. Welcome to Two Headed Girl. Recently I made a post on social media that said sometimes I forget that I'm bipolar. And by that I mean that I forget every day that I am struggling with and living with a serious mental illness. I realize that I'm very lucky to be able to even feel that way and to even be able to say and have that sentiment.
I've been, let's see, I am 32. I was diagnosed with depression at 17 and with bipolar disorder at 22. So it's been about a decade that I've been in and out of therapy, in and out of hospitals, and, you know, like learning to get a handle on and cope with my mental illness. I realized that I'm very lucky to have all these resources around me that in the beginning
allowed me to take the time to take off school and just go to community college and take, you know, a summer off of work so that I could get stable on my meds and have a family with deep understanding of how mental illness works so that they could support me. I mean, on top of that, find a partner who is also bipolar and understands how my brain works. I have had all of these, you know, amazing things in my life that have made it easier for me to manage and live with my mental
illness, and I am genuinely grateful for that every day. For me, and I've probably mentioned before, Like taking medication is something I need. Being on antidepressants and mood stabilizers, it's not something that everyone needs. But personally, how my mental illness is and how my brain works, I'm bipolar too, which means I have longer periods of depression and shorter periods of mania that are almost like hypomania. So that means that they're not as long or extended.
And I couldn't function. I couldn't work. I couldn't do the things that I do without therapy and medication. I've been stable on my meds for about six years, and I've been on one of my antidepressants for over a decade, and I am just very lucky. Actually, two of my medications for over a decade. I just find it pretty crazy that now, you know, a few years later, after the world has sort of, you know, stabilized and things are whatever the new normal is, that I have started
going through a major depressive episode. And that's not to say that I'm not still functioning with my medication and working with my therapist and my psychiatrist and doing all these things that help my brain. I have a big support system. But sometimes brain chemistry just changes, especially with bipolar disorder. As you get older, it is a very common thing for the chemistry of your brain to change and to need to switch up medications. So podcasting has been on the
back burner for me because I've been, you know, trying to get my brain to a place where I feel comfortable enough to make art. But I just wanted to share because this, I mean, this podcast started with Alex and I talking more about our mental illness and our relationships and how all of these things played into our marriage and our gender journeys. And I think it's important to, you know, remind people that even if you work and make art and do all these things, like
your physical and mental health come first. It's more important to be in a good place than it is to force yourself to do things when you're not feeling great. That's at least how I feel and how my therapist feels. And so I'm adjusting things with all of my support system around me, and finally I felt like I could get to a place where I could record again. And I just want to thank our audience for being patient. And if you decided to listen to this part, I do really
appreciate you listening to me either ramble about or share some insight on how my brain works. I think a big part of a big part of me eventually exploring my gender and personally I don't want to hide that part of me and record an episode while I am depressed and pretend that it's good and everything's okay because I know that for me if I force myself to make something I'm not going
to be as proud of it I'm not going to be as present and I don't think it's going to be as good So thanks for hanging with me, and now let's get to a happier part of this, hopefully, where I will share some summer moments of gender euphoria with you.
In June, Alex and I went to my brother-in-law's wedding in Utah, and that's when the whole foot debacle happened and Alex hurt their foot. but before then we got to experience their beautiful wedding. It was, it was amazing. It was great to be around a bunch of family and enjoy the beautiful scenery and, and get dressed up. This was, I only have one suit, but I have a bunch of like different shirts and ties. That's
not important. I mix and match, but I have this one suit that fits my very tiny form that I got from Topman. And because they make clothing for tiny guys. And I'm, you know, kind of short, kind of small. And I think this is only the fourth time I've gotten to wear like my whole suit and my fancy shoes. And I picked out a bow tie. And it was just, I think it's the, it's, it's the first time that I've worn my suit since top surgery. And I think that was one of the reasons that it
felt so gender affirming that I had so much gender euphoria is because I wasn't focused on, is because I wasn't focused on adjusting my binder or, you know, like tugging on my shirt to make sure you couldn't see the line of my binder under it, or it was really warm, and I would have just been even more sweaty than I already was. So it was like an extra layer of gender euphoria.
On top of that, I had been growing out my facial hair for about five weeks, and finally, like four and a half years on T, I can grow some decent facial hair, at least like a little mustache and goatee and I just felt like whole and like complete and I know that you know clothing and facial hair does not a man make but I looked in the mirror and felt like ah this is right
and I've had moments like that before throughout my transition just I feel like a really special moment because I felt confident being around a bunch of strangers. And by strangers, I mean, extended family, like my brother-in-law's wife's family. So a lot of them I hadn't met before. And I felt confident just being me. I didn't feel othered. And there were other gay couples there,
which I'll get to in a minute, but it was nice to feel completely comfortable in my own skin and be in a place with a lot of people where I didn't have to second guess myself. For me, when I had facial hair, I shaved it off. I can grow it again. But while I had facial hair when we were on that trip, I wasn't as worried about getting misgendered. And I also, I almost
always have some form of voice dysphoria, not every day. It's not always on my mind, but it comes and goes. It's, it's definitely still one of my biggest points of dysphoria that I have. And I didn't have or think about that or feel any, I didn't have any strong dysphoria of any kind when I had facial hair because I felt that it helped me pass. And maybe that's not even right. Like I do feel like
I pass. And sometimes for me, that's like a comfort thing. I think because I was around a lot of people meeting some people for the first time, it was definitely a comfort thing. And not because I felt unsafe, but just because I, you know, there's always that little part in the back of my mind that worries for sure, especially meeting new people for the first time. I didn't feel any lingering dysphoria or discomfort. And I didn't like think about it. The gender euphoria I got
from wearing my suit and having visible facial hair made me so confident in my own skin that any little dysphoria that I usually have, any lingering lack of self-confidence was gone. And I just felt like I got to be me and be present in the moment. I've always got some level of social anxiety when I'm out around a group of people unless they're like close friends and family.
And even my social anxiety was less because I felt like me. I felt complete. I felt whole in my own skin. And that even took away some of that generalized anxiety I usually have around large groups of people. I've enjoyed dressing up in my suit before. I've been to a couple weddings in my suit, but this was like next level. And I think definitely a big part of that was being
post-op surgery and having visible facial hair. And it was just a moment for me that I think I'm always going to remember because it was a beautiful wedding, but I'm also always going to remember because there wasn't any anxiety attached to the event for me.
On the topic of the wedding, there were, you know, there was a signed seating and Alex and I looked at our card and at first we were like, hmm, we don't know these people. Who are we sitting with? And for lack of a, we were sitting with the other gay couples that were at the wedding on my sister-in-law's side. And it was very funny because we were just like, oh, we're at the gay table.
And it was like a joke between Alex's brother and us. And it was very like thoughtful and considerate. because in my family and with our in-laws, we are the only queer couple, like, at all. So the fact that there were other people there that were gay, to me, it's always a very comforting feeling, especially, I've talked about before, like, being in the city and gay neighborhoods. It's just something where there's, like, a sigh of relief, like, I'm not the only one, I'm not the weirdo,
I'm not, I'm not being othered. So to sit at another table with other gay couples was really, really cool and really affirming. And I think it put me at ease. I can't speak to Alex, but I feel like it put them at ease a little bit too, because it, because there were no expectations of us to like pretend to be straight around strangers. And I feel like sometimes like, like we are very,
visibly queer, I feel like, when we're together. And I'm fine with that, and Alex is fine with that, but around strangers, you know, it can sometimes be anxiety-inducing, and this was just another place where I felt like we can be ourselves and not have to worry, and not have that lingering anxiety in the back of our minds about being accepted. At first, I did have a few worries because the other two gay couples were lesbian couples.
And, you know, when Alex and I got together, we both identified as lesbians. And sometimes because I'm openly trans and I am comfortable in my gender, sometimes I'll forget and tell stories from earlier in our relationship and I will use she, her pronouns for myself. or like when comparing experiences with the other couples when we were like getting to know each other and sharing about ourselves I was like at first I was like oh can they clock us like do they
know I'm trans do they do they know we're some type of queer like probably they did but they didn't care and I was nervous about it at first because I'm like we are we are very visibly queer in a different way. Not that being, you know, a lesbian is any less hard than being trans in situations, in situations where you don't know everyone. But eventually, once we got talking, like the shared experiences you can have just from being a part of the queer community is what
made me personally feel like safer and at ease. Because there's a, there's just kind of like a, like a knowing, like being a part of that community and being around other people that are queer, personally, it puts me more at ease. And, and after we all got to talking, like I felt better. I didn't worry about, I didn't worry about being clocked. I didn't care because it didn't matter. We could all just be. And that was a really great thing. And at first
I was hesitant, but overall I'm really grateful because it was another really nice experience that Alex and I had at this wedding. Some more just small moments of gender euphoria in Utah were getting called sir and like going in and out of the hotel or going into restaurants, things like that. Sometimes it still like takes me off guard. Like I'm in the back of my mind wondering if I pass. Again, that's not everyone's goal, but when we travel, it makes me feel
more safe to pass, especially with everything that's gone on this past year and how things are going. When we travel, it feels nice to just blend in, and I think Alex feels that way as well. and it was also pride and my mother and father-in-law were out walking around downtown Utah and got stuck in the pride parade and sent us pictures and that was just such a nice little
moment first of all that they took pictures and shared them with us but also that we were in another city while it was pride it's funny because this is the second time Alex and I have traveled and been at a wedding when it's been pride and there's been a pride parade. So maybe just every wedding we go to, we bring the parade and the prides with us. It was an added level of comfort to know that there were all these people there that were celebrating pride. So we could blend in anyway and it didn't matter. And again, I think the shared experience of having
a community around you, strength in numbers, right? It definitely makes me feel safer, me feel more confident, feel more at ease to know that there's just a bunch of gays around and gay is okay.
I really love swimming and I haven't been able to do a lot of swimming post-top surgery because of COVID. I got my top surgery, I healed from top surgery, and then everything shut down. And there's not really any like pools near us or any that I would want to go to. They're like community pools with like a bunch of little kids and stuff. Not really my jam. And Lake Michigan is kind of really dirty to swim in. Do not recommend. I remember the last time I went swimming in Lake Michigan
back in high school, we had one of our friends jump in, clear out all the trash, and then we went swimming. In retrospect, probably not a great thing to do, and I'm sure it's gotten dirtier since then. You know, but to each their own. You want to go swimming in there? Be my guest. But I'm not a big fan. The dog beach? Actually cleaner than the people beach in my experience. But I love swimming and there was a pool at our hotel and Alex was napping, sleeping off their hurt foot
on painkillers. It was like nine o'clock at night and it was really warm. I'm like, I'm gonna go for a night swim. There's not gonna be anyone there. I'll have the pool and the hot tub to myself. It'll be awesome. Just swim a couple laps, chill, and come back up while Alex has a nice nap. Ended up going down there at nine at night, pitch dark, and of course there were like two other people at the pool that we're swimming. It felt ridiculous, but I was like, you know what? It's dark. No one's going to see my scars. Doesn't matter. Not a big deal. The rest of the people eventually cleared
out while I was doing my laps, except for this one guy that was chilling in the hot tub, watching car fixing videos, watching mechanic videos, watching, you can tell I'm a total bro about cars, watching videos about cars on his iPad and chilling in the hot tub. And I was cold and I had a sore back. So, and I had a sore back because I'm old. So I was like, what the hell? I went in the hot tub with the other guy, like sat across from him. And sometimes I make conversations with strangers
because that's just how I am. And we were like, you know, like three feet apart in a hot tub that was pretty small. And I just started casually making conversation. I was like, Oh, what are you watching? And he goes, Oh, I'm, I'm watching about how they put motors in Ferraris. And I was like, Oh, yeah, those, you know, foreign cars are way better than American made cars. American made cars are junk. And he was like, Yeah, I love I love watching videos about how they make those engines and it's really interesting to me. And that's about the extent of my car knowledge.
So I, you know, just basic small talk with people. He was like, what are you here for? And I was like, oh, what are you here for? And he was just talking about his job, how he works for Lyft. But it was just, it was cool to just have a conversation with another dude and not be self-conscious. And again, I think it is because it was dark. So I wasn't really worried about my, my scars showing or whatever. And we were, he was in the army reserve and he had stopped or
something and started working for Lyft and wanted to, it was getting a degree to help soldiers with PTSD. And I was like, damn, not only are you like a car bro, but you're actually not like a douchebag. Like you, you have something that you want to do to like better people and better your life. And I was like, man, I'm just a dog walker, but I don't know. It was, it was nice connecting with someone else and not feeling like I had to put on a facade because he was also like very
open about his feelings towards like therapy and mental health and things like that. So he was just really open about mental health and feelings and healing and therapy. And that's hard to find in any setting, let alone when you're hanging out with a stranger at a Hyatt Hotel hot tub. Oh, say that five times fast. Hyatt Hotel hot tub. I don't know. It was a good experience. And when I came up, I told Alex about how I had bro'd out in a hot tub, but with a guy who was like actually
sensitive and in touch with his feelings. I don't know that since I've started transitioning that I can remember having a positive, like, open conversation with a cis man about stuff that wasn't, like, one of our close friends or acquaintances. Honestly, I think it's a moment that's going to stick with me for a really long time because it was just so different than any other experience I've shared where I felt like I didn't have to pretend to be super mask. I could
just like once he started divulging about working in therapy and mental health I felt like I could be you know a little more open and relaxed and it wouldn't emotion wouldn't be seen as weak or feminine and obviously that needs to change that's some bullshit and it's just a dumb narrative like boys don't cry or share their emotions and obviously that has been changing over the years But it's nice that I just got to like experience that in a like little glimmer. It baffles me and blows my mind. But it also added to the positive experiences and the gender euphoria and the comfort I felt in my own skin.
The list of events, like the amount of instances that happened while we were in Utah that were affirming and relaxed and non-anxiety inducing, really made the whole experience, despite Alex hurting their foot and getting our trip cut short, one that I'm going to remember fondly. Not just because of seeing my brother and sister-in-law get married in a beautiful place, but also feeling accepted.
And I think that's a big part of transitioning that I hope and wish for more people to experience when they get to that point in their transition where it doesn't feel like you're performing gender to fit in. where there's just a sigh of relief to be able to be yourself and express yourself. And a lot of that is unfortunately society-based, where I think a lot of queer people feel like they have to conform to be safe.
That's a reality in many places, and I understand that. But I think it's important to remember that there can also be small moments of gender euphoria and joy in unexpected places. And I hope that those moments get to become more frequent. And I hope our friends transitioning, people who are queer in queer relationships that are listening to this can experience and find those small moments of comfort and belonging and gender euphoria in unexpected places.
because I know when I do, it brings so much joy to my day, no matter how I'm feeling. Just that little moment of affirmation makes me smile. And even if it doesn't last the whole day, it definitely becomes a small core memory for me where I'm like, this experience, when I'm feeling like nothing is going to get better, Remember that this stranger or this place where I was uncertain or afraid, I experienced a small moment of gender euphoria and acceptance, not only from other people, but from within myself.
That's something that I hope everyone gets to experience. I wanted to say at least once, but honestly, much more than once. We deserve to feel accepted and to feel normal and not othered and to be able to be comfortable and not constantly having to look over your shoulder or worry about how you'll fit in. I think that's definitely a bigger issue today with all the bills and all the bullshit that is still going on. Sometimes it's really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel or a moment of hope or joy. I wanted to share this to let you know that it is possible and to look for and experience and embrace those small moments.
Thank you for listening to this episode of Two Headed Girl. If you like what you heard, you can head on over to twoheadedgirl.transistor.fm or find us anywhere on social media or Patreon at twoheadedgirlfm. Stay safe out there, pals, and I hope you can find joy in the little things.