28. Same Shit Different Day
2022Show notes
Hello! Welcome to 2022 and a new episode of Two Headed Girl. Join Mattie as he discusses a new trajectory for the show. Then, catch up with him on his gender journey.
Show Notes
- Tick Tick Boom!
- MJ Rodriguez
- Finasteride/Propecia
- Hair-loss on T
- Chest Sensation after Top Surgery
- The Trevor Project
- Gratitude Journal Ideas
- Mattie’s Crappy Tiktok
Transcript
Tap a timestamp or any sentence to play from there · machine transcribed (mlx:mlx-community/whisper-large-v3-turbo), expect mistakesMattieHi, I'm Mattie Cox. This is a show about gender, our minds, and all sorts of transitions. Welcome to Two Headed Girl.
Hey pals, happy new year, or if you're not a fan of the new year, then happy same shit different day. I wanted to start off the top of the show by talking a little bit about the trajectory of the podcast for this year and how I'm seeing things going as I've taken over the hat of being executive producer while Alex is focusing on some other things. Firstly, I wanted to start with the fact that Opposite Sides of the Couch is going to be coming back.
I'm not sure if it will just be for patrons or for everybody yet. I haven't decided, but I want to focus this year on still putting out two episodes a month, one being queer topics and the other focusing on queer TV shows, movies, books, music, And on those episodes, having a guest come on and talk about their love of this queer media or maybe even get some creators of the music and writers of the books themselves.
Those are my current goals going forward, just to sort of let you know where the content is headed. Also, the episodes are probably going to stay a little shorter, maybe about 30 minutes at the longest. I would like to do some more Q&A and listener questions and suggestions for topics. Because the podcast has definitely evolved and changed since Alex and I both started, as most shows do.
We, you know, we started off talking about my transition and being a couple and how it affected our relationship and our marriage and the tough discussions we had and, you know, my gender journey in general. And the show has kind of evolved into talking about current topics, things that are in the moment instead of sort of past recordings that we had gathered and feelings and things like that.
And I think that all shows change over time as they sort of get their footing. And there was a lot going on with, you know, trans bills and negativity against the trans community and finding positive representation. And I think that's one of the main reasons why I want to also focus on trans media. Like recently, MJ Rodriguez was the first trans woman to receive a Golden Globe for her role on Pose as Best Actress.
and she was in Tick Tick Boom and was amazing in that. If you haven't watched it, go watch it on Netflix. It's an amazing movie. There's some gay stuff in there. Gotta love it. But that is some, you know, little glimmer of positive news in 2022. If things aren't going great, I'm super happy about that. But that's the basic plan moving forward. In this episode, I would like to talk about how I'm feeling about gender currently. Everything is still weird because, you know,
COVID is super bad and I'm inside most of the time unless I'm working. Currently, I feel like in my transition, I am done to an extent. Like I wanted to be on tea, wanted to have a lower voice, a more masculine body, wasn't looking forward to the acne, but definitely got that. and I've gotten all the changes from tea that I really want. The reason I've been talking about stopping it lately is because of hair loss, but I started finasteride, also known as Propecia,
which is an oral medication that you take to stop hair loss and start hair regrowth. And it's been working and it's super great. So as long as my body is healthy for the foreseeable future, at least until spring, if not longer, a minimum of the next three months, I'm going to stay on testosterone and take it a day at a time, or probably a month at a time, really, because I don't, you don't really see results that quick when taking hair loss medication. But because the hair regrowth has
been going so well, I've really regained confidence in myself and my gender. It was something that I worried about all the time just because it's genetic. I'm 31, going to be 32 this year. That's when my maternal grandpa started getting a receding hairline. That's when my uncle started getting a receding hairline. And the genes do come from your mom's side of the family. So like, I know it's inevitable, but you know, I'd like to keep my hair as long as possible. And it's
definitely a source of discomfort just for my appearance, which I know can be like shallow, but I've been mulling over lately how I don't have physical gender dysphoria since top surgery. And one of those things is recently, I'm almost two years post top surgery, and I'm sure we'll do a whole episode about that. But I have regained full sensation in my chest and like reconnected
with my body in a way that I didn't know was going to happen after top surgery. And when I mean full sensation, I mean like I can feel everything except my nipples because those are nipple grafts. I don't think I'll ever have sensation there. But many non-binary and mask and FTM people who get top surgery, especially double incision, they're not likely to regain sensation or even any sensation
at all, let alone full sensation. So I just had accepted that and wasn't expecting it. And slowly over the past year, as it's been my second year of recovery, I've been getting like these little twinges and that's the nerves reconnecting. I talked to my doctor about it. I'm not making it up. Um, but that's the nerves reconnecting. And I thought my scars were sore or the tissue around it was sore. So I started massaging more to like break up the scar tissue because I was pretty bad
about that after top surgery. I did it for maybe like the first four months after top surgery and then kind of gave up. Um, but since I've been trying to build muscle, I figured there was some pulling on the scar tissue there and I started doing more massages with like bio oil and like just you know lotion and stuff because it's super dry out I recommend aquaphor that stuff is great but I didn't expect like once my top surgery was done and the main part of healing was done
no more compression vests, no more stitches, and I could, you know, wear clothes and have normal mobility. I didn't really expect anything to change. But I did sort of have this disconnect, I guess. Like, I see a lot of people on social media, and obviously social media is not the best representation of the trans community, but I feel like some of us do fall into that spiral of
comparing ourselves to others represented on social media, and I have certainly time and again fallen into that. From all the things I've seen on social media, I wasn't expecting after all this time to feel more connected to my chest, but now that I have full sensation, I love having my cats lay on my chest. I love not having a shirt on and feeling like a soft blanket, especially because it's negative temperatures here in Chicago. I wear, I have this pendant that I got from Alex,
and I wear it under my shirts, and I can feel like the weight of the necklace against my chest, and all of these are such affirming things that I didn't realize would come from healing and would come from that sensation. I'm sure it's something some people talk about, but it wasn't something I specifically heard talked about when I got top surgery. It was kind of, you know, you get DI, don't expect sensation to come back. And if it does, it'll probably just be a little bit.
Whereas opposed to when you get keyhole or peri or different types of top surgery for smaller chests, you are expected to have sensation. And that's one of the reasons why people choose those surgeries, right? Again, it was something that I just wasn't expecting. And it's been a positive influence on my gender journey. I figured like everything was done physically, like I wasn't super worried about anything other than I am trying to grow out my facial hair. My goal is
for six weeks just to see if I can grow anything and then to just shave it all off and be done. Honestly, it's just a fun experiment. The men in my family can't really grow full beards, so I'm not expecting anything great. Like my dad can only grow a goatee basically, and I have no idea how that'll look on my face. So I'm just kind of trying that out. And at this point, the only dysphoria I experience is social dysphoria. I feel like that's a lot more common right now because everything on my face is bundled up. Like literally because it's so cold, I wear a ski mask. I wear my KN95 mask. I have a hat on. So literally all you can see is like my bangs and my eyes.
so if I don't make my voice deeper when I'm in public like if I don't because I have to think about speaking from my chest if I don't go like hey or make my voice deeper when I'm like checking out at a cash register or when I'm picking up coffee or something then I usually get misgendered and I feel like it's because all you can see is my eyes and I'm, you know, tiny and everyone is bundled up at this point.
So it's just kind of because I'm shorter and I have a smaller frame. So I think on a daily, I have social dysphoria because I'm getting misgendered so often now because my face is covered up. One person that I talked to kind of regularly said the same thing because they are trans masc but have long hair. And so all people can see is the long hair sticking out from under their beanie, right?
And they can't see their beard or anything like that. So they get misgendered because it's just the eyes. So I guess I can't blame anyone. Like, I'm not mad at anyone. Like, I understand the mistake. I understand being in customer service and having to say ma'am or sir. But it's still something that gets to me, and I felt like, you know, after four years, it wouldn't get to me. So I find myself having voice dysphoria most days. that being said these like little pieces of my gender journey like growing facial hair
and feeling connected to my chest I feel like there are small little things that still surprise me and I didn't expect that I expected to be like okay got top surgery all done like my body is you know where I want it my my everything is like I feel more confident more comfortable. And I didn't realize that there were still these little things that could give me dysphoria, but also bring me gender euphoria. New Year's resolutions are stupid. Let's be real.
But I think the one I would choose to make for myself this year is to focus more on the little things that bring me gender euphoria, rather than focusing on the things I can't control, the things that are outside of my control because the world is, for lack of a better term, a really shitty place right now. And so any tiny bit of joy that I can find, and I recommend other people do this too. Try to affirm the trans people in your life and try to affirm yourself
and find one thing that brings you gender euphoria. Because when I personally do that, it definitely gives me more confidence and just like sets me in a better place to start and continue my day. Things that I'm really grateful for that have happened during my transition is that I've had so much support from friends and family. Granted, it took some of my family a while to get on board, But I feel so much more at ease around all of my family and the people in my life other than strangers.
So that's one of the things that I am definitely most grateful for. Another thing that I'm grateful for is being able to easily access health care. I know specifically right now, not only was it hard before to get good trans healthcare or access good trans healthcare, but because of COVID now and everything shutting down, like it is super hard to find gender therapists, top surgeries are getting pushed off.
and I think that's why it's most important to try to find little things that give you euphoria or to try to find a group of queer friends that you can it's just even a queer chat or queer community where you can find support from other people that are going through the same thing because that is really hard right now. And just because the medical world is sort of, you know, crumbling
and sinking right now, that doesn't mean that your issues or not being able to access trans affirmation or healthcare is any less important. And we always talk about the Trevor Project and how that can help. So if you're feeling just in a very low place and can't find a group of friends or even just one friend to support and affirm you while going through a difficult time,
consider reaching out to the Trevor Project because they are amazing and really helpful. and if you don't want to talk on the phone, they have online chat services. I know I'm not a big fan of talking on the phone, so that can certainly be helpful. Despite everything, I am hopeful that the queer community will continue to move forward in positive ways and support one another and
and really be there for one another while all of this is going on. I know it's stupid. I know it's hard, but I've been in therapy for 12 years. And when a therapist says like, write down a few things you're grateful for, even if it's just, I'm really grateful for the super great cup of coffee this morning. I'm really grateful for the fact that I have centralized heating where it's really cold, just small things. I'm really grateful that I have a wonderful spouse and two stupid cats who
are also wonderful. Well, one perfect and one stupid cat. I'm really grateful that I got to see my parents this weekend and that they're all vaccinated and we were safe around one another and got to have fun, even if it's just the smallest thing. I'm really grateful that the sun was out today when I was on my walks, even though it was negative nine degrees, finding that tiny moment of hope or euphoria or something to be grateful for, to me, can stop
the spiral of seasonal depression or negative thoughts in my head. And that's just why I wanted to share those suggestions with y'all. I guess I've been reflecting a lot lately on what gender means to me and maybe that's because I'm getting older and I look in the mirror and and see like a man staring back at me which is a weird experience because I feel like often I think
about if I had transitioned younger, it would have been a more gradual process. And you can transition at any age and be happy. It's not a thing I regret. It's just a thing I reflect on. If I had transitioned younger, maybe I would be less self-conscious about my body or have less dysphoria or look in the mirror and and not see a grown ass person like in my mind I'm still
you know I 25 and most of you might think that's a grown person but trust me you're not a grown person when you're 25 a lot more experiences to come and just the other day I was looking in the mirror and I'm like Dan I look like an adult and I've always been wondering like hey when will I look like a grown adult and I feel like that moment has finally happened and I don't fear age it's not a bad thing it's just a weird thing and maybe it's a gender euphoria thing as well I
haven't really been decided it's something I've been mulling over in gender therapy and just something I've been working on reflecting on the past four years of my journey and exploration of myself and, you know, doing that along with Alex and becoming more a part of the trans community. And I always tell my therapists that this podcast, when I record it with Alex or now by myself, I find that it feels like therapy. Discussing like what's on my mind and trying to share with
people who listen, like what I find works or what I'm experiencing. Like if that can reach one person or even just help one person. It feels like talking through gender, whether I'm doing it with Alex or not, feels like a little mini therapy session. And no matter the topic, really brightens my day. And that's why I want to continue this podcast. And, you know, even if the main topic of the first episode is something a little depressing because of things that are going on in the news
or whatever. There's so much more queer media content out there that I'm really excited to get back into and to explore. And I think that'll help balance things out nicely. And I hope y'all agree too, because I'm really looking forward to it. On a brief other topic before I go, I just wanted to talk about TikTok for a second. And I have a very crappy TikTok account. I don't recommend following it. I mean, you can, but there's like nothing on there. But what I was recording recently on there
was I listed the things that I was grateful for that people told me at the beginning of my transition, things that I didn't expect at the beginning of my transition, and things that I wish I hadn't listened to. And I think that one was the most impactful for me. It was, I wish I hadn't listened to that I should take up more space or walk a certain way or hold myself a different way. Like manspreading when I was out in public or like trying to, you know, be more assertive and take up more space.
I feel like it's common for especially younger people when they transition to fall into the toxic masculinity stereotype if they're hardcore going F to M. And maybe it's a common experience that at the beginning of a transition because of so much dysphoria or like not knowing how to exist in a different environment. Gender is a social construct, but unfortunately, when you start presenting as that gender, like when I started presenting as male and passing, I realized that it doesn't matter.
Like, I didn't need to conform to any of that. And it took me a while because of my own insecurities, I think. There are a couple other things that I regret listening to, but mostly, you know, it's the toxic masculinity thing. And there's things that I wish I had done later. I wish I had researched more before I bought a bunch of different Packers and wasted money on that. I wish I had looked more into small trans-owned companies for gender-affirming things.
and there's there's not a lot I regret about my transition I genuinely think the only thing that I regret is not starting hair loss treatment sooner I've been mulling it over and I was like I have been very blessed and lucky and that everything has gone smoothly maybe I do regret the way I came out to Alex it definitely probably should have been an in-person discussion But I was also a very different person four or five years ago. And I think maybe that was the only way I could handle it. I think this is going to be a year of reflecting a lot and seeing how the trans community has changed and how there's so much more positive representation than even four or five years ago in not only the media,
but in communities and just being accepting of one another. Obviously, there are still places that are bad. There are still negative spaces. But I also feel like things have sort of changed by leaps and bounds with, you know, being more inclusive for non-binary people, letting people wear whatever they want, especially in when we're within our own queer community. I feel like there
has been a big expansion of gender identities and gender presentation and that things have just opened up so much more. And reflecting back on how things were when I started transitioning and now looking forward and looking more into things that are going on in the community, I think helps give me peace of mind and give me a little bit of hope for the future of the queer community. And I hope it can bring y'all that too.
I hope this continues to be a positive place in the queer community. And I hope that we can put out episodes that y'all can enjoy, really appreciate, can get some information from. or can just give you some escape from whatever things might be going on in your life. Things are weird, but there's always a tiny bit of hope that they can get better.
Thank you for listening to this episode of Two Headed Girl. If you like what you hear, you can go support us on Patreon at Two-HeadedGirlFM. You can also follow us on Twitter at TwoHeadedGirlFM or send us an email at TwoHeadedGirlFM at gmail.com. I hope that this episode wasn't too much of a shot in the dark and too rambly. And I look forward to y'all coming along on this new journey with me as the show evolves. Wear a mask, get vaccinated, and stay safe.
Thank you.