27. Hickeys for the Holidays
2021Show notes
Join Mattie as he discusses how to be a good ally this holiday season. Get some gender affirming gift ideas! Along with some tips on how to help the queer people in your life handle holiday get-togethers.
Happy Holigays from Alex and Mattie!
Show Notes
- Transanta
- Howard Brown
- Trevor Project Lifeline
- Prosthetic Packers
- FTM Gift Ideas
- Safe Binders
- MTF Gift Resources
- Mars Wright/Trans Affirming Clothing
- Mars Wright Tiktok
Queer Owned Etsy Shops
Transcript
Tap a timestamp or any sentence to play from there · machine transcribed (mlx:mlx-community/whisper-large-v3-turbo), expect mistakesMattieHi, this is Mattie Cox with another solo recording of Two Headed Girl, a show about gender, our minds, and all sorts of transitions.
Today I'm doing another solo episode because Alex is sorting out their brain bits so that they can be fully functional come the holidays. So I am going to be tackling our holiday episode this year. I'm super excited. We're trying out a new topic. Last year, and I believe the year previously, we talked about how to handle unsupportive family and stressful situations being trans and queer during the holidays.
This year we wanted to do something a little different and we wanted to talk to the allies of queer and trans family members or friends and want to give you some tips on how to affirm the queer people in your life and bring them some cheer and gender euphoria this holiday season. So first off, as always to preface, I want to say that this is based on our personal experiences and doesn't apply or cover everyone.
But hopefully we can help out allies in most situations. So a big thing for me my first Christmas after coming out was seeing my chosen name or my new name on GIFs. Even though my family was still messing up my pronouns and my name occasionally, they did write Matt on all of my presents and in all of my Christmas cards. Even my grandma, who wasn't quite supportive at the time and just used M on stuff as opposed to Matt, just seeing that it was still like super affirming because I knew that she was making an effort.
and you know my my parents and my in-laws wrote my name on all my presents and all my cards and especially getting uh christmas cards in the mail and seeing my my name on the envelope even that would just brighten my whole day especially because i wasn't quite passing yet even though, as we know, a passing isn't the end all or required. But if you can just write a trans kid's or trans person's new name on a present or a card,
that honestly can mean the world to some people. And it's just the smallest gesture that you can do. And even hinting to other family members or, you know, maybe writing out some cards or stickers and placing them over the name that unsupportive family members have written before your queer friends or children see them could work. It's just a nice little reminder that someone cares. And it's something that takes only a few, you know, minutes and is so easy to do.
And it definitely made my first holiday after coming out like so much better. because even if people messed up my name and pronouns, there was still this like physical reminder that yes, like I am out, I am being myself. And it was just great. So if you don't have a lot of money, just send a card with their new name on it. Like that is a great way to start, definitely. now let's get into some more options for affirming the trans people in your life that are having a
rough time this holiday season some of the best things that i can think of like especially because i don't want to just be like spend money buy gifts do the things because getting new clothing and gender-affirming gifts are great, but COVID has hit everybody pretty hard, and I don't want to be like, just spend all the money. That will make them happy. Because honestly, just acknowledging the fact that they are embracing who they are and being an ally, and even if you're not a parent or
a relative but you're a friend if you can be with your your newly out friend if they have unsupported unsupportive family maybe taking them out for a day and doing holiday things together and giving them the affirmation they need so that they can make it through a crappy day with family that's unsupportive, or even if you're just the one family member that is supportive, if it's okay with the queer person in question, for you to be assertive in situations where they
are getting deadnamed or misgendered and be kind of, you know, their voice if they can't be, If they ask for that, that's also a really good thing because Alex will still do that for me around my family and parents sometimes. And that's great because honestly, after four years, I'm really tired of correcting people. So I just don't. And it takes a weight off of my chest to have someone be my ally and stand up for me.
Now, Alex knows that I'm okay with that, but always make sure you check in with the person first because maybe they're not okay with being out. Maybe they don't want to cause a scene. And this is one of the biggest things you should not do, whether you're a parent or a friend. Do not out the person. Do not. Do not say, especially don't say, this is, for example, this is my daughter, X. They're now my son.
They go by so-and-so. No, that is one of the worst things that you can do. If you're not sure if they want to be introduced by their new name and pronouns, just ask. Like, ask before you go into a situation. Even if you're an ally and you're good friends, and let's say this person is out among all your friends or at school or something, but not to their family, don't be that person that puts them in that awkward situation or brings all the attention on them. So honestly, there's,
you know, like two different ways, two main different ways to be an ally in those situations is advocating for the person if they ask and, you know, keeping it on the DL if they don't want people to know and maybe, you know, taking your friend out or your kid out or your partner out for a day doing exactly what they want to do in a way that could be affirming. You know, a lot of people do the thing where they have a new name and they go to Starbucks and hear their name called
out. And like, that's really cool. I don't know. I, for my friend, I got their non-binary kid a keychain with their new name on it. And like, just little stuff like that, like small gestures, getting back to not having to spend a lot of money for the holidays. Etsy is an amazing place to find very inexpensive gender-affirming stuff. I'm talking like $2 trans pride stickers,
like anywhere from like $2 to $3, like enamel pins, keychains with names on it, like I said. I go on Etsy all the time. You can, first of all, support small businesses and for queer creators and artists and get gender affirming stuff at the same time for, you know, a couple bucks. And that is, it's so great. It's something I wish I would have discovered when I first transitioned because
man transitioning is so expensive it's just it's rough so even like or five below five below is great i'm going there to get a bunch of stuff for my pets for christmas um and for and for my little cousins because you can you know buy some decent phone cases and stuff for five bucks going on etsy was a great discovery for finding like inexpensive gender affirming stuff. I think it's really great.
I'm gonna in the show notes list some stores that I have personally some shops that I have personally bought from that I know are run by queer creators so that you can support them. And maybe I'll put in some gift ideas too because you never know. Staying in the vein of holiday shopping and affirming gifts, things like that. Right now, money is tight for lots of people. One of the things that I want to highlight is Trans Santa. There's an account for them on
Instagram. What it is, is queer youth, trans youth send letters into Trans Santa and they ask for gifts. Sometimes it's just like the smallest thing, like I said, like a card with their name on it or something. And there's letters with their story. Unfortunately, a lot of these trans youth have unsupportive families or are struggling with money and are
just asking for things like gift cards and saying like any little thing helps. And as I'm scrolling through Instagram this season, it's rough because I wish I could help all of them. I try to highlight Some of my favorites or the most important ones that I think in my stories. A lot of the trans youth are in foster care. And I will link that account in the show notes as well, because it's something so great that these people are doing, these queer people and allies are doing for the trans community.
And I'm sure that, you know, they can't get to everyone. But to boost those voices and to spread that around, that is something that as an ally would really help the trans community. even if you can't, you know, send gifts or support. You can at least share the accounts, share the letters to your stories, you know, tell your friends about it if they have queer kids or any of your queer friends who have some spare money
or even your cis friends who are like, I want to do something good this holiday season. Be like, hey, this is what you can do. Help out some queer youth that are struggling this season. And Trans Santa is great. I've seen it every year. Alex and I, for the holidays, usually donate to Howard Brown. We've talked about them a lot. They offer gender-affirming care. The Trevor Project is another great space, not only for gender affirming care, but right now they have a text chat open for struggling queer youth to reach out to instantly to get support and help as like therapy and kind of talk through issues.
It's almost like a suicide hotline, but they do have a line for that. That's a separate thing. It is specifically a lifeline, and I will put that in the show notes as well because it's very important. But the Trevor Project, which supports LGBTQ youth, is starting this new thing where you can text someone for support and say, hey, I'm really struggling with this. Can you help me out?
I would say for any queer youth that need it right now, that is a great resource. I recommend reaching out there if you don't have supportive friends or family that you can talk to. Trevor Project is great. Alex and I really, you know, really love what they do for the community as well. Okay, allies, I'm speaking at you again. Let's get on a happier and brighter topic. So if you do have some extra cash to spend these holidays and you want to get some gender affirming gifts or you don't have extra cash and you aren't sure what gender affirming gifts to get, I've got some advice for you.
There are a lot of prosthetic companies that that means silicone penises and and stuff. And also, you know, trans shops with like binding tape and binders and boxers and all of this gender affirming stuff. flags. We got all the kinds of pride flags, small queer owned businesses. They're all doing so many giveaways right now, especially prosthetic sites and the small owned trans shops. I've talked about
Trans Guy Supply before. They're great. I will list all of the companies in the notes because I don't feel like listening to them in the podcast. That's kind of boring. I don't just want to, you know, recite companies. But there are so many giveaways for free stuff going on right now and like discounts and stuff like that. And that's, that's also great because yeah, you don't know what to get. You don't have a lot of money or you, you want to see what it's all about.
I would say this is for most people that are 18 plus if you're looking at prosthetic stuff. but like Trans Guys Supply and other like small queer companies that make like gender affirming clothing specifically there's this trans guy named Mars Wright who has a TikTok and he makes gender affirming clothing which means for trans and non-binary people that want to look more masked so like the button ups he makes don't get caught on your hips
they make your shoulders look broader and more square and he's got joggers that like taper and fit more for AFAB bodies to make them look more masculine. So you're an ally. You're a friend. You're like, what do I get my queer friend to make them feel better this holiday season? Check that stuff out for sure. Any little small thing helps. Like honestly, just seeing my name on my presents was the best thing. My first
Christmas after coming out with my parents. I just remember them trying so hard to get me masculine gifts. Like my dad got me a tool set. And I'm sorry that most of my tips are for FTM people. I will link some resources for trans women, MTF, and all that stuff. More femme, more femme non-binary people, all of that. I will link things that are, you know, have great resources in the show notes, but specifically, I don't have any, like, you know, personal knowledge
of the products and stuff like that because that's not how I identify. But going back to my parents and my family, they tried to get, like, super typically masked stuff, like, all, you know, rugged jeans made for the outdoors work boots hammers and screwdrivers those sunglasses that you see like maga guys wearing in their car with their like hats you know and and like uh kind of
like boy like douchebaggy stuff and also like teen boy stuff like my uncle got me a wallet with a chain on it. And a lot of that is like, you know, stereotypically masculine or queer. And it made me laugh. It made me smile. It made me grateful. Like, I could tell how hard they were trying. And, you know, my parents are boomers. So I feel like the gender stuff is a little harder for them. It's not like they Google it. Now they're great. My mom just listened to this podcast. Hi, mom.
You're great. You did great. I loved my Christmas gifts. You're awesome. You know what else is great? Not worrying about gendered toys because toys for kids and clothing don't have to be gendered. There's so much different stuff. Your son wants that Barbie. Get him that Barbie. Your daughter wants that Minecraft shirt or whatever. You do that. I remember as a kid getting both, you know, stereotypical girly toys and mask toys. I had my Barbies and my Hot Wheels for the holidays. And honestly, I didn't think twice about it. So, you know, don't force gender on your kids, your family, your friends this holiday season.
just be chill. Gendered toys, gendered gifts, gendered stuff isn't the end-all be-all. And if you don't know what to get someone and you want to avoid that gendered stuff, you can always just ask. Like, instead of maybe making the situation awkward or whatever, just ask them how they feel, what they want. And, oh, I was thinking about this today, too. This is completely off topic. kind of, not really. This little girl was in a dress and she was crying and her mom was like,
you have to wear this because we need to take holiday pictures. One of the worst things was I hated wearing dresses and tights as a kid for the holidays. Let your kid wear what they want. Let your queer kid wear any kind of clothing they want. If they want to wear a rainbow, let them wear a rainbow. Don't force them into boxes and don't force them into gendered stereotypical clothing if it makes them uncomfortable. That can make already stressful
and uncomfortable situations even worse. I know that when I am in comfortable clothes, when I am in an outfit I chose myself, when I am in more masculine presenting clothes, I feel more like myself. And then I don't, I'm not as awkward. I'm not as stressed. I'm not as anxious when I'm around people during the holidays. So try not to force that on your queer kids. You know, let them be them.
and if it needs to be a discussion, if you need to give them a couple of options for clothing, do that. Like, let them choose because expressing yourself and being fully yourself for trans youth is really hard all around. So try to be supportive and mindful of that as well when it comes to dressing up for the holidays. just that little bit of affirmation I mean just to see that my family was trying and just to you
know have like my my uncle is one of my greatest advocates right now and um his his wife who um sadly passed away two years ago was one of my greatest allies at family get-togethers who was always correcting people on my name and pronouns at any, you know, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, whenever we would all get together. And my uncle has kind of, you know, taken on that mantle now and is one of my greatest allies around family.
And I just having one ally. If you're listening to this, you have a queer kid, you have a queer friend, and you know that people around them are unsupportive or you don't have a lot of knowledge and you want to be supportive. Google search. There's lots of great information out there for people that want to be allies. Before you go into these situations, these holiday parties and get togethers, before you go in these situations with your queer friends or kids, just try to do some research.
The questions that we let y'all send us on here, don't ask those things, those inappropriate things that Alex and I say, yeah, go ahead and ask us, that's fine. stuff about will you get the surgery, like asking about, you know, HRT, asking about all that very personal stuff, like what changes are happening with your body. You know, a cis kid doesn't want to talk about puberty around their family, and neither does a trans person.
And it's just, you know, think about it at first and treat them like any other person, because we are people. You know, trans people are just people. So those questions that we allow y'all to send in, don't ask those. That is not a good thing. And never say, he used to be a she, she used to be a he. Avoid all of that, please. Very much so. Just having one strong ally to spend
time with this holiday season, even if you have to, you know, look for communities online, That's great, too. There's a lot of queer creators that send out holiday cards at this time, and you don't have to pay for those. You don't have to be family. If you are a trans person, queer youth, whatever, and you want something like that for gender affirming, you can, I think for a couple of trans creators that I follow, they're still sending out and filling out holiday cards.
And that's free. And that's something that you can get with your name on it. And that's great. I feel like I'm kind of all over the place right now with my gender-affirming gifts and thoughts and ally thoughts. But, you know, the gist of it is don't make a big deal out of it. Be as supportive as possible and ask the queer person what kind of support they are looking for or if they need you to advocate or be some support.
maybe they want to be stealth and not bring it up around a bunch of family maybe the family is going to be really shitty or they're going to try to tough it out and something's going to happen that hurts them like go outside go for a walk around the block take that person out and say you know what i support you and it's going to get better because in my experience, I know in Alex's experience, it does get better. I remember before I was out as trans,
before Alex identified as non-binary, I spent my first Thanksgiving with Alex's family. I was the first, then I identified as a lesbian. I was the first girlfriend that Alex had ever brought home and I had given them a bunch of hickeys right before Thanksgiving and I was like oh no their mom is going to hate me she was not thrilled with the hickeys but um I was just
instantly accepted as like yep this is this is Alex's girlfriends you know they're part of the family. I felt completely accepted as part of the family. It was just great. It was a sigh of relief. It made that one experience much less stressful. Even being around my own family sometimes is nerve-wracking and stressful because I'm an introvert. And especially when it's like this, I just want to sit under warm blankets with my hot chocolate and cats and watch holiday movies.
So I think like just that initial like instant experience of being completely accepted by Alex's family and then again when I came out as trans. But had that Thanksgiving gone differently, I think, like, obviously I would have given it time. I'm pretty patient. I've waited for my family to accept all of my gender identities and sexuality as I've progressively, like, come out from lesbian to bisexual to trans, and Alex has been my partner through all of that.
But to instantly feel like a part of Alex's family and to not have any, like, gender questions or like, so, you know, you're the lesbian. What does that mean? So, you know, you're trans. What's that like? you know just just treat the queer people in your life this holiday season and all the time like normal people because we are normal people and just a part of society and I think all most
of the the queer community wants not just during the holiday season but you know most people are more giving and more caring during the holiday season and the community just needs more support trans youth with unsupportive families just need more gender affirmation and care and love to see that it can get better and the world isn't always an incredibly shitty place and there are you know
there's moments of hope there's moments of gender affirmation there are moments of just getting to feel like yourself and not have to worry about gender or sexuality or gender identity or how you express yourself. There's just those moments where you can just be. And it would be great if queer people could get that safety, that validation, that care, those moments of hope
and euphoria from their own family members or friends. The greatest gift you could give to any trans youth, any queer person, any trans person in your life this holiday season is to be a good ally, to support a trans person in need, to be a source of, you know, someone to lean on, to be affirming with everything and not, you know, not question who they are, but support their choices
and who they are. I think that's the main thing for me. If you want to be a good ally to the queer people in your family, in your life, this holiday season, just try to give them small moments of hope and happiness because it does get better. Thank you for listening to this episode of Two Headed Girl. If you like what you heard, you can head on over to our Patreon, twoheadedgirlfm,
and send us some money so that we can make more content and so that we can help Alex get rid of their titties. Have a happy holidays from Mattie and Alex. We love you. Stay safe and get your flu shot.