Two Headed Girl
Episode 26 artwork
Episode 26 · November 15, 2021 · 00:22:38

26. My Cats Call Me "Mom"

This weekMattie answers your newest questions about gender! What pronouns should you use if someone uses she/they? Did you question your transition? Would you eat a whole box of donuts, or a full cake? Come for the hot queer takes.
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Show notes

Mattie answers your newest questions about gender! What pronouns should you use if someone uses she/they? Did you question your transition? Would you eat a whole box of donuts, or a full cake? Come for the hot queer takes.

Show Notes


Transcript

Tap a timestamp or any sentence to play from there · machine transcribed (mlx:mlx-community/whisper-large-v3-turbo), expect mistakes

MattieHi, I'm Mattie Cox here with a solo recording today about my four years on tea. This is a show about gender, our minds, and all sorts of transitions. Welcome to Two Headed Girl. Today I am doing a solo recording to answer some questions that people sent in about my four years

on tea. Alex and I opened up and asked me anything and we were going to do a live stream but we've both been busy. Alex is in brain school. I'm walking lots of dogs. The weather is changing and makes our brain bits wonky. So I decided I was going to pick my 10 favorite questions and answer them. And if you sent in a question and I don't get to it, I'm not ignoring it. Alex and I are going to have another recording where we answer those questions together. So it will

stay in our document of questions you haven't been forgotten about. None of the questions were actually about my four years on T, and they were just gender questions, which is totally fine. I was, just briefly, I was four years on T on October 11th. The only changes that have really happened since two years on T, everything's been like slowing down. Nothing's really changed.

I've been building a lot of muscle mass by working out. The hair on my head has been getting thinner, but the hair on my face has been getting thicker because I'm taking medicine to keep the hair on my head, which is called finasteride. It's an oral medication. so it has made more hair and has caused more hair to grow in other places like all the way up and down my legs uh faster chin hair growth all that good stuff and I'm also keeping the hair on my

head so that's a plus other stuff that I've noticed a lot less gender dysphoria all around Like I don't have to think about my gender all the time. And as I get farther and farther on T, I find that I'm more at peace with my gender. I don't think about it all the time. And the only gender dysphoria that I really experience is around my hips and social dysphoria. More often than not, social dysphoria. but it's definitely easier to just be myself. I don't know it's not even something I really

think about. I guess once a week I kind of think about it because I have to stab myself with a needle. I know a lot of people have needle anxiety but not me and I just stab and done. So that's really all that's changed. It's not a lot. Just wanted to give a brief update and now I'm going to dive into some of your questions. The first question I chose was, how would you describe your sexual orientation? And I don't really have a long answer, just queer, because it's kind of

like a blanket term. And before, when I first started dating Alex like nine years ago, literally nine years ago. Oh my god, I'm so old. I identified as bisexual, because I had dated both cis men and cis women. And over time, that's kind of changed. And now I just say queer. And Alex, I hope, is going to be the only person that I'm with for forever. So that's kind of the term that we both

just used to identify our sexuality. It's better than, for me anyway, breaking down everything and explaining it, you know? Like, I'm a trans man who is bisexual, who has dated so and so and so. It's just easier to say I'm queer, and it kind of covers everything. The second question is, as someone that has been ignorant towards trans people before, what are your tips for educating others about trans people? First of all, I am really happy you sent this question because that

means you are willing to learn and become an ally and support the community. So I really, I really appreciate you sending this. That makes me very happy. Honestly, Google, there are a lot of great resources. I wouldn't go to like blogs or anything. I would go to like actual trans resources uh it'll say that in the title um like if you look up trans health care or actually just google like trans resources or trans ally resources that will give you like the positive

information on the community and that's the best way uh before talking to actual trans people to to know like what's okay to ask and what's not okay and like how someone feels about their gender and like, you know, dead names and birth names. There's so much to learn. And I'm so happy that you're willing to learn. And I would just say, try to Google, like, actually medical or like,

you know, confirmed good resources. The third question is not a question, but it just says, are you happy you deserve to be? And that is so sweet. And I would say that generally, if we're talking about gender, I am very happy. Yeah, I am. I'm just more comfortable in my own skin. And it is a good feeling. Am I sad sometimes? Yes, because I am bipolar and have a seasonal depression right now. But I have a great community of friends and family around me and my spouse is

amazing. So more often than not, I am happy. And thank you. That's very sweet. The next question is also not a Tinder question. It says, are there secret projects that Matthew has that we can support? We know Alex has a podcast or two in the works. Currently, no. I have a TikTok that is very uh not full of videos or information but it does have a little series about being trans

and hair loss which i'm hoping to continue and eventually i want to make a like a site that ranks all the prosthetics that uh trans mask and non-binary people use because they're expensive and there's a lot out there and I feel like rating them would be very helpful. It's like a big gap in the community and transitioning is so expensive to begin with. Like it's just a resource

that I haven't seen that I would love to create. So hopefully one day I'll walk less dogs and I'll have more time for stuff like that. Just, just, you know, a silicone penis website. No big deal. I really like this one. It says, when someone identifies with multiple pronouns, like she, they, which one should I use? This is like a super commonly asked question, and I think there's a big debate on it even in the queer community itself. and I just watched Survivor last night and there's a non-binary character on Survivor

named Evie and I think this is a great topical example. Evie uses she and they pronouns and people freak out about it on Twitter and on the internet and like you know shout about it all over that you need to use they pronouns. Well the person Evie says that she or they is fine. Sometimes people prefer or use one over the other and just by talking to them or looking at their social media, like if there's whatever pronoun is first is generally the one they use more.

But honestly, if you're comfortable switching back and forth, then just like fluidly in the conversation, you can throw both in there unless they specifically state otherwise, especially people that say all pronouns. Like, you just throw a couple different pronouns in the conversation. And if they're like, hey, I actually like to use this certain pronoun more, could you use that more often? But honestly, it's individual personal preference, I think. there's this thing where cis people will often default to the assigned gender at birth pronouns

and that's what I would avoid I would try using both instead of just defaulting to she or he because I feel like that's being a better ally or not even that just showing that you understand that both are okay, both are correct, and that, yeah, I guess that shows, like, being a better ally, like, understanding that multiple pronouns are okay to use. All right, I'm gonna try to shorten this question. The gist of it is, when you introduce a trans person to a common acquaintance

post-transition or during their transition, is it acceptable to use their former name as in you might have known them as dead name, name assigned at birth, they formerly presented as other gender? And then there's a caveat, sorry, not trying to be rude or inconsiderate, I'm just trying to learn. That is definitely not okay, because you would be outing that person, And that is up to them. That is up to specifically the trans person in question. If they feel like outing themselves and saying, hey, this was my birth name or my dead name, this is how you saw me before.

I have a perfect antidote for this. I was just visiting family that I haven't seen in about 10 years, and I've only been transitioning socially and physically for six years, five or six. So they did not know me as Matt, and they greeted me, hey, how are you? Hi, birth name, like, good to see you. And I said, oh, actually, I go by Matt now. And that was it. And they were like, okay, I didn't need to say I was trans. I didn't need to disclose anything about the transition. I just said, I go by Matt now. And they called me Matt the rest of the night and used he him pronouns. So that is totally up to the trans person themselves. But as a rule, no, because you don't want to out someone without their consent.

that's a very very good question and super important and helps you be a better ally so thank you for sending that one as well all these questions honestly are really great and uh considerate and it's just so nice to see people wanting to be better allies and more informed about the community like that's what this podcast is for and it makes me so happy to see all these great questions being sent in. Y'all are just great. Thank you. I'm going to kind of mush these

questions together because they are sort of on the same topic. So it says, did you doubt yourself much while trying to understand your gender identity or not at all? How long did it take for you to start feeling confident enough to come out even just to one person or to express yourself as your gender. I feel like all people, I don't want to speak for all people, but I feel most

people when transitioning, or even if they don't medically transition, but just like changing your name and pronouns, have some doubt. I feel like the majority of trans people have doubt, whether that's internalized transphobia or just because it's so hard to be like accepted especially for younger trans people like worried about what their families will think what their friends will think if their friends family teachers will be supportive what have you so I feel like it was a little easier

for me especially because I was an adult I wasn't living with my parents I was over 18 so I could make all my own like medical choices, my own legal choices to change my name, that kind of thing. But I thought about it for a good eight or nine months before I even told Alex because I wanted to make sure that I was sure and I was confident. So yeah, there was definitely a lot of doubt because Alex is the person that I trust most and the person I am closest to.

So to even feel like not confident enough to come out to them is a big deal. Like that was a big deal to me. So I guess I did kind of sit and ruminate on it because I didn't have a gender therapist at the time. But I did talk to my other queer friends And I talked to one of our friends that I knew pre and post transition, and they helped me become more confident and just like try out he him pronouns and stuff like that before I came out to anyone.

And then I came out to Alex first, and it was good, of course, because we're still together, and I have transitioned. But yeah, at first I doubted myself, and I feel like that's a pretty common experience. And all we can do is support someone, use their new name, use their pronouns, let them ease into it and see what feels right. You know, you have to be patient. I feel like especially with younger kids that are thinking about transitioning or want to change their name or whatever, you know, just let them suss it out. It doesn't have to be an immediate like, yes, this is my name. These are the pronouns I'm using.

gender is fluid it's a journey and and it takes time so it did definitely take some time to uh feel comfortable or confident but it helps to have you know someone you trust to um support you through it that helped me a lot anyway if i become a parent what will my kid call me That is a great question. I do not know. I think maybe, Dad? I don't know. I think I would want them to try out either. You know, a kid's first word is usually mama or dada. And we could just teach them both and see what feels more right to me, I guess.

It's funny because around our cats, I still say I'm mom. So I'm food mom because my older cat knows the word mom and she responds to it. So I just use mom around them. And that doesn't make me dysphoric at all. It's just like something silly. Like obviously my cat doesn't know my gender, but she knows a few words. Like every meal is breakfast. She doesn't know what dinner is. every meal is breakfast and every person is mom so I think I would uh I would just see you know

because the kid would be young enough that they they wouldn't understand anyway what's my favorite part of being queer rainbows no I don't know if I have a serious answer for that because honestly everything I I just feel like if I didn't also have a queer partner it would be so much harder But like learning and growing in the community and like having support and living in a big city where there is a community of queer people and just having a bunch of friends that are queer and just not being in the closet, honestly.

Like I came out as lesbian when I was 17 and I felt very alone. All my high school friends kind of, you know, turned their backs on me. And then I went to college and I went to my first like gay straight alliance meeting and I just felt so at home. so yeah everything really just getting to be myself and not having to worry I I'm very blessed in that I have a community of people around me that support me and that are also queer and we

can learn about each other's experiences and share each other's experiences and that's just that's really great to me like that's what it's all about now here's some silly questions I I wanted to save these for the end to make sure the ending was a little lighthearted and fun. Would you rather have a Denison, donuts, or a whole cake? Well, on Saturday I had three donuts and I was really full after that. So probably donuts because I'm not a super big fan of frosting and cake has a lot of frosting.

So definitely donuts. Am I allowed to be queer but dislike Hamilton the musical? Yes, of course. Lots of people don't like Hamilton. I love most musicals, not just Hamilton. I was started off as Broadway baby when I was like five or six. My mom had me listen to the West Side Story soundtrack and the Annie soundtrack, and I was much too young to be watching Little Shop of Horrors at like eight years old, but I definitely was. So I love all musicals, most musicals. And yes, they do have Hamilton

tattooed on me, but you can be anybody and not like Hamilton. That's fine. I won't disown you or not like you or anything. Am I just awesome all the time or am I like 25% more awesome than what I publicly let on? I am not awesome all the time. That is very flattering. Thank you. I try to be awesome. I try to better myself. I want to be like inclusive and share positivity and cute dogs and cats.

And that's just very sweet. Thank you. I think Alex calls me awesome far too often and that they are the most awesome, honestly. Let's see. I'm going to pick one last question. Okay, maybe two. I like this one. It says, I'm a cisgender gay male here in Chicago. You talked about gaybor hoods in one of the episodes. neighborhoods that are gay. I talked about Boys Town in Chicago, which is the gay neighborhood.

And they're asking if I've gone to Hollywood Beach in Chicago, as it is broadly stereotyped as a very cis gay beach. And I'm wondering if you've been or feel comfortable going. That is a great question, because I am often perceived as a cis gay male. So I think I would be comfortable going but maybe not taking off my shirt and that is because sometimes the cis gay community can be a little shitty towards trans people so i think i would kind of have to like

feel it out but i would go yeah i i feel comfortable in most areas of the city because it is a big city and there's so many different people if it was in the suburbs i would definitely say no, but because it's in the city, yeah, probably. Last question. Is there a queer appropriate analog to boyfriend-girlfriend? Like using significant other. That term just feels too generic. I'm sure there are lots. I just use partner. Significant other does feel generic.

Also, a lot of straight couples use it, which is not a problem. Like, that's fine. But I think partner, just because that applies to my relationship the most, because Alex and I are partners. We're creative partners. We're best friends. We're, you know, like lover partners, I guess. So that's the term I like using. I'm sure there are more than just significant other. I would have to Google it, but I really liked that question because my favorite is partner.

It is near and dear to my heart. Thank you for sending all your questions. There was about 31 of them, and I cut to maybe about 12. Like I said, we will be answering the rest of the questions, Alex and I, together, or Alex will have a solo episode where they answer some of the other questions that I didn't get to. Thank you for sending those in. You can always send them in to our email, twoheadedgirl at gmail.com.

Also, if you feel like it, you can head on over to our Patreon, which is twoheadedgirlfm on Patreon. And I just want to say thanks for supporting the show. And thanks for sending in your questions. They were really great. And I had a lot of fun. and I hoped you had fun listening to my answers. Thank you for listening. Stay safe and healthy, and go get your flu shot.

Francis! Francis! I'm having a cat interruption. He's very happy that he can be on my lap while I record because Alex would not let him. So Francis will be joining us.

26. My Cats Call Me "Mom" 0:00 / 00:22:38