20. Acceptable Nipples
2021Show notes
In this solo episode, Mattie discusses his complicated feelings towards transmasc shirtless selfies. He shares about his own experiences with top surgery and being shirtless––along with the negative effects that sharing post-op selfies on social media can perpetuate.
Show Notes
Transcript
Tap a timestamp or any sentence to play from there · machine transcribed (mlx:mlx-community/whisper-large-v3-turbo), expect mistakesMattieHi, and welcome to Two Headed Girl, a show about gender, our minds, and all sorts of transitions.
I'm Mattie Cox, and this week, our episode is going to be a little different. I put a poll up for our patrons, and overwhelmingly, the response was that Alex and I should alternate between doing solo episodes about a particular gender topic, that pertains more to us. Today, for my solo topic, I'm talking about shirtless summer selfies and comparison photos as they apply to trans mask individuals. The warmest months of summer are here,
and that means lots of trans mask and non-binary individuals posting photos on social media of them revealing their chests post-op. As a part of the community, we all know what we see the most, a lot of thin trans white guys with perfect top surgery results flexing on the beach. I admit, unfortunately, I fall into this category of the thin white guy, but I want to talk about how we need to expand the trans narrative on body positivity and how there are different types of
trans bodies, and all of them and everyone should feel comfortable being able to post beach and summer selfies on their social media. Obviously, I can only speak from my own experiences and what I have observed on social media, primarily TikTok and Instagram. Personally, I don't post a lot of shirtless selfies. I didn't take any last summer even though I had had top surgery. Part of that was because of the pandemic and I couldn't actually go to the beach. and another part of that was because I didn't want to perpetuate the stereotype of being the thin white trans guy.
Personally, I want to leave space in the community for all trans bodies to have representation and be able to take up space in the community. That being said, there's actually a lot of reasons that I myself have felt uncomfortable posting shirtless selfies. A lot of that has to do with when I was new in my transition, I remember I would go down a rabbit hole of looking at guys' pictures on Instagram, going into the FTM fitness tag on any social media, and looking at all of these people that seemed super masked and super in tune with their bodies and post-op.
And they were just able to be so free. And I felt like I had to hold my body to that standard of being, you know, super buff and super mask and that I needed to be 100% comfortable in my skin and work hard, like work super hard to get there. I do like posting comparison pictures of you know this is me one month on T or pre-T and this is me three years on T now I know it can sometimes be hard for people to see especially trans youth who
haven't who don't have access to hormones or are waiting to be able to transition or feel like they will never get that far in their transition. And I remember feeling that way when I first started too, and I would spiral looking at photos of people post-op surgery, especially when I was feeling really dysphoric. So I never wanted to add that to social media and possibly end up being the
cause for someone feeling more dysphoric or being unhappy. Those aren't the only reasons that I haven't posted lots of shirtless selfies. It's also because I have been self-conscious about a lot of stuff on my body. Sometimes it's because I feel old. You know, I'm 31 and I had top surgery when I was 29. Society's expectations and just me being, you know, AFAB and presenting as a woman
into the world, I wasn't allowed to have my shirt off for 28 years of my life. So it was also a weird thing to go through where I gradually had to be like, oh, yeah, this is okay. I can go take the trash out and not have to put a shirt on. And I talked about it with my gender therapist, where I just needed to start doing little things like not wearing my shirt in the house for an hour or something like that, just to make myself more comfortable realizing that I could like,
go outside in the heat for a run and not have to wear a shirt. And it's little things like that, as opposed to looking on social media and comparing your body to others or how I would compare my body to others. It was just taking baby steps to feel comfortable in my own skin. And I think that's what really helped. Then I even took a break from Instagram for a while to stop looking at those pictures because it was getting to the point where I didn't even realize
how disconnected I was visually from my body, from feeding into the norms posted on social media or, you know, what a trans body should look like. And that narrative is really toxic and being around it all the time made me feel less comfortable being shirtless, even though I was post-top surgery. It made me more self-conscious even, I think. So it wasn't just weird being shirtless outside.
It was weird being shirtless in general, even when I could be post-op surgery, because I just feel like my mind and body were disconnected in a way that it felt like it was wrong, even though it wasn't. And it's just such a weird thing or something that I was self-conscious about that I had never seen anyone talk about on social media or talk about publicly. And it wasn't until my gender therapist mentioned that, you know, yeah, sometimes it takes time for your body and mind to sync up and for you to get comfortable being shirtless because, you know, society sucks and it tells us that male nipples are fine but female nipples are not because whatever.
and obviously that's wrong and I don't agree with that but it was still just such a weird thing to go through where I was like oh it wasn't even being self-conscious about my scars because I can you know put trans tape over those and cover them and and unless someone is right up next to me they wouldn't be able to see them and I never really feel self-conscious about my scars at all. So it wasn't that. It was more about being self-conscious because I had never gone
into the world without a shirt on, even though it was acceptable. It was a lot of things, though. It wasn't even about going to the beach, but it was about having different kinds of dysphoria after top surgery, like hip dysphoria and feeling like when my shirt was off, it made my hips look more pronounced, which wasn't true. And it's a common kind of dysphoria to happen once you're no longer worried about top surgery or focus so much on your chest. Other types of
dysphoria can pop up and be more prominent after getting top surgery. So it was that, but it was also a lot of other things that were societal like I have back acne but I have my whole adult life and I could always wear a shirt to cover it up and sometimes I wouldn't even wear a tank top because I do get acne on my shoulders and that was something that I had even before testosterone and that's definitely something I've been struggling with this summer until I just went
fuck it and took my shirt off when I was inside. It's just so much stigma around certain things like acne or scars and things like that that, you know, I shouldn't be self-conscious about, but I am. And I think that's made it harder to be shirtless during the summer in general. But on the other hand, there are parts of social media where you see posts of people talking about feeling the wind on their bare chest and back for the first time, and feeling the sun there for the
first time, feeling the grass against their back for the first time. And seeing those moments of gender euphoria, definitely, that's something I search for more on social media to find those moments because it's, I don't want to go looking around for people to compare myself to, I want to go looking around for those brief moments of gender euphoria and be like, oh yeah, that's right. I can get out of my own head and like just go experience that. It doesn't matter what other people think of me. It would be different, obviously, if I lived in a place that was
less queer friendly. But because I live in a big city, it's not something that I'm super concerned about. And I can't imagine how hard it would be wanting to be shirtless on the beach or outside and having to be stealth because of the people around you, your family not accepting you, the place you live, things like that. I am very blessed and lucky that I don't have to worry about these things. But I know that it's a big issue for a lot of people. And seeing those, you know, shirtless
beach selfies of trans people that are post-op and can live their lives openly like that and be trans and not have to worry about any situation where they would be made to feel unsafe has to be really hard and I I know I'm lucky and I feel super blessed that that's not something to deal with and I feel for those people that can't experience that because they have to be stealth that's the thing is getting top surgery is personally for me has been amazing and really
freeing and great but there are so many parts of it that we don't see on social media um especially during the summer when there's all these shirtless selfies and like people that aren't happy with their results or need revisions and have to wait there's just so much more and I wish the community was more open to pictures that didn't show perfection, but that showed gender euphoria and happiness. Because that's, that's what I want from the trans community and
for the trans community is for us to support people with all types of bodies and all choices. And, you know, not everyone even chooses to get top surgery or can't afford it. And there are swim binders that you can wear to the beach. And those are super, you know, gender affirming. And that can be great, too. Another thing I can't speak to is the non-binary people that choose not to get nipples with their top surgery. And I feel like that would be a different situation at
the beach as well. Not for them, necessarily, because that is a choice you make when you get top surgery and a lot of non-binary people do get that kind of top surgery where they uh choose not to have nipples but it must be a more difficult decision at the beach um to decide if you want to be clocked as trans honestly because that would definitely be a big giveaway so not only is it about like showing different types of trans bodies different types of top surgery different you know
all different types of bodies in general. It's also about can you be openly trans and do you feel safe enough to be that way at the beach? So I mentioned back acne and being self-conscious with my shirt off and not wanting to post a lot of shirtless selfies for various reasons. another thing really is that I feel old like I am while I am very happy with my body for the first
time in a very long time because I feel like I'm a in a good place in my transition finally where I don't have to focus on my physical or mental health and I can just be gender therapy has put me in that place and taught me that it's it's a good place to be where you can just be and not have to think about your body all the time and I am finally in that place but I still get self-conscious about being super open and I don't know if it has to do with dysphoria or body
dysmorphia or just being self-conscious about my body in general like anyone else but I almost feel too old to be posting shirtless selfies because I feel like that's something that a lot of guys in their 20s like their teens and 20s do is they you know go around in gym shorts without shirts on and their socks and slide on adidas sandals and walk around and I feel like once you hit a
certain age that's just something you don't see a lot of people do and it it gives me trans jealousy and it also makes me feel like I have Peter Pan syndrome for wanting to be able to go back in time and like experience that in my 20s being able to you know just like be on my college campus and walk around being shirtless than just one of the guys and I think that that's something
that not only I see on social media that makes me feel left out but it's it's also just like I get into my head about it where I shouldn't because anyone can be shirtless as long as the situation allows, like obviously not in your business office or in the middle of a Walmart, hopefully. But it doesn't matter when you transition, you are never too old to transition. It is never too late to be your authentic self. And I do believe that I truly do. I believe that
until my bipolar disorder was, you know, stable and in order, I wouldn't have been able to go through my transition and end up in a mentally and physically stable spot. And I believe that my journey had to go that way. I know 31 isn't old also, but it just feels weird to me to be like, hey, look, I'm shirtless. I'm cool. Look at me. I'm a dude. Like, that's not something I want to
do. I want to be able to share my gender euphoria, but I also don't want to make anyone else feel uncomfortable. It's like I've complicated feelings about it. I really do. Because as technically a trans elder, I want to show that it's never too late, you know, to transition or to be happy in your own skin or to feel comfortable with your body no matter how it looks, no matter if you've had top surgery or if you haven't like you should just be able to celebrate and enjoy your body no
matter what and I wish that was something that we saw more on social media in the trans community especially the trans mask community because I feel like that would give people a lot more hope and the comparing yourself to others would lessen. It would be more about celebrating everyone's gender euphoria and happy experiences with their bodies as opposed to
focusing on wanting to look a certain way or look like other trans men or trans mask individuals. Ultimately, I wish the community could get there. Like, I wish there was a group or an option or just a faction of the community that started making that more popular as just experiencing gender euphoria and your body in all forms and not having to fit into a tiny box. And they talk about this a lot on TikTok. And it's great because, you know, the youths
push that diversity and want to break out of those norms and show more trans POCs and show more non-binary people and show more non-binary people post-op without nipples and want to like normalize the shirtless trans mask non-binary trans man people with all different body types and stuff like that. And that's great. And I hope it continues and gets better and it moves to
different social media platforms. Like, ultimately, I think the reason I have complicated feelings around being shirtless and just like not giving a second thought to it is because I don't want to perpetuate the stereotypical trans guy that everyone sees. And maybe that means I just need to lift up different trans voices and share their stories and follow them on social media.
And hopefully we can get to a place in the community where everyone can feel comfortable sharing their selfies, regardless if they're post-top surgery or not, and just feeling like a part of the community and like no one is judging them really I think that's what I want to see and what I'd like to get out of this is helping people understand that every experience
is different every top surgery results and experience is different all trans bodies are different. Autop surgery results can be different. And those can be celebrated. And they should be celebrated. There is no one way to be trans. There is no one way to express yourself. Everyone should be able to be happy dressing however they want or not dressing however they want. And hopefully, eventually, we'll get to that place where that is more common. Alex and I discussed this a little
bit in our episode about Elliot Page and the backlash he received over his shirtless picture. And I will link that episode in the show notes as well because there's also a discussion about trans body types and being shirtless and things like that. And I think that pairs really well with this topic. we went to a beach in wisconsin right over the border of illinois and wisconsin i used to go
there a lot as a kid and it was a really nice place the water is really clean and that's why we went there instead of you know trying to swim in lake michigan don't recommend that because it's pretty dirty um and so we planned a whole beach day we both picked out you know swim outfits that made us feel comfortable and gender euphoric and we were having a really good time like I it was the first time I had been shirtless in public around a bunch of people on a beach and I was
very excited and I had like scar strips that were skin colored over my scars mostly to protect them from the sun but also you know in case I needed to be a little bit stealth and I was just chilling with Alex hanging out getting some sun and I got to go swimming and it was great and then a bunch of teenagers started calling asking us what our pronouns were and just kind of taunting us a bunch
and they had to be young like 15 or 16 and my initial reaction was to tell them to fuck off but then I sat there and thought about it for a while and I turned to Alex and I said you know what I would rather get taunted and called names by these kids and be a visible trans adult and maybe give anyone who is here that is queer or any trans youth the opportunity to see that it is
okay to thrive and be yourself and be out and about as a trans adult and to you know fully accept yourself and be able to be visible. So I actually walked away from that situation feeling stronger, maybe like more empowered, just the fact that I knew I was okay being myself, and that I wanted to be able to show any baby queers that it is okay to be yourself as well,
and not to listen to shitty people like that, you know? It made me question whether or not I wanted to go back not because of you know getting asked what my pronouns were and called did slurs and stuff like that but because i just trans people just want to be you know we want to be able to go out into the world and not have to battle with gender all the time and explain ourselves all the time and it would just be nice to like go out and be around people and not have anyone give us a
second glance like people have scars on their body it doesn't mean they're trans you know and I am lucky and that my scars are pretty light too so I can kind of hide them as much as it was like a brief shitty moment or interaction it didn't take away the joy that I felt from being able to feel the sun on my chest and get to take shirtless selfies and get to swim in swim trunks
without a shirt like all of that was great and that brief maybe 10-15 minutes of shittiness didn't take away from that so I do feel lucky that I got to go out and experience the beach shirtless this summer like I am very lucky that I got to do that and it's definitely something I hope to do again, hopefully without the shitty teenage boys around that time. I guess ultimately I just want to say live your life and dress how you want and take your selfies
how you want and don't let society's standards or the trans community's expectations tell you how to be. Just embrace your body and yourself the way you are. There are some specific TikTokers and Instagrams that I follow that center around this body positivity and these topics. And I will definitely link them in the show notes because they are great resources. They can definitely speak on this topic better than I can and have more experience with different situations dealing
with their top surgery and being shirtless and being stealth and how they're perceived. So I will make sure to link those accounts in the show notes for you. Thank you for listening to this special episode of Two Headed Girl. A special thank you to our patrons who continue to help us be able to afford gender-affirming surgeries. You can find this show wherever you find your podcasts at Two Headed Girl or at Two-HeadedGirlFM on Twitter. Thank you, wear a mask, and stay safe.
Thank you.