1. My Wife
2019Show notes
Welcome to Two Headed Girl: a show about gender, our minds, and all kinds of transitions. Alex asks Mattie about what he wants out of a show, how they've messed up, and why husbands suck.
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Transcript
Transcript
Tap a timestamp or any sentence to play from there · machine transcribed (mlx:mlx-community/whisper-large-v3-turbo), expect mistakesMattieHi, Matthew Robbins Cox. How are you doing? I'm awesome. How are you, Alexandra Elizabeth Cox?
AlexYou know, I'm terrified as we're preparing to release a show about you transitioning and our marriage and our mental illness. And when I say transitioning, I realize that even now people don't know that I'm talking about that you're transgender. Hey, I'm transgender. Oh, surprise.
Surprise. For a couple of years now, the two of us have been recording the process of you transitioning and both of us exploring what gender means. And I guess we're making a show about it.
MattieOh, we're definitely making a show about it.
AlexIsaac, can you pull over so we can record for a second? No, you did it. And I did.
MattieYou said, can you pull over? And I said, okay, why? And are you going to stress me out some more?
AlexAnd I said, yes. Probably.
MattieBut you didn't ask me if I wanted to record anything.
AlexCan I record?
MattieI am recording. Can we record? Yes.
AlexI mean, I don't even know where to start because what would you say to someone who just said, what's being transgender mean?
MattieI would say that gender is a spectrum and is fluid. And some people identify as a different gender than they were assigned at birth. And other people identify as no gender.
AlexAren't you a little freaked out that we're telling the story of the past two years of our marriage as you've transitioned? Not even a little.
MattieWhy? How does that not scare you? Because I'm an oversharer. Hey, so this is Matt. I was instructed today, not instructed, suggested by Alex that I sit and record my feelings. I've been feeling really dysphoric and out of place.
and I sort of quit my job at a certain place unexpectedly and not in the best way. And I was feeling really shitty and anxious this morning and so dysphoric and I had a little talk with Alex. I have a consult tomorrow with Dr. Garamoni who's a top surgeon in Florida which I think is who we're going to go with. I think around eight months would be a decent amount of time.
Like, I don't, I really don't want to wait a year. It's been kind of rough. I'm not going to lie. I like sharing my life with people. I like being open. And especially if something like this were to help people, then I would definitely want to. And even if it doesn't, I just, I don't know. I put who I am on my sleeve, and if people don't like it, then, you know, whatever.
I know.
AlexI think I just keep putting it off because I'm afraid. The thing is, I don't care if people judge me. I'm very protective of you, and I worry about you.
MattieI don't care if people judge me either.
AlexYeah. What kind of questions do you think we're going to get?
MattieDo you have a penis?
AlexNo, but I mean, like us as a married couple, because, you know, we lived the first. Well, I mean, can you even say that you lived your life as a lesbian from birth? Because you have no concept of gender or sexuality. I popped out of the womb with half my head shaved and gauges, pink hair, a nose ring.
I mean, exactly. Presenting as gay, you already get the question of, oh, who's the man and who's the woman? But now people are genuinely going to ask, who's the man and who's the woman? And I guess you're the man now?
MattieI'm just going to say we're people. Why does it matter?
AlexYeah. Well, it's just a question I get all the time and I don't know how to answer it anymore. That's it. That's it. That's how you answer it. You say, we're partners. We're equals. And that's it. You drop it. And then they're like, but no, really. Who's who's? And then I'm like, no, really. It doesn't matter.
I was helping with a live show tonight for work. And we were talking about our significant others. And I referred to you as my husband.
MattieWhy can't you just say my spouse?
AlexI normally do, but I thought I...
MattieYou say my wife all the time.
AlexNot around new people. Because then it... About 80% of the time you do. Really? Mm-hmm.
MattieAnd I honestly wish, especially around people that weren't our friends, that you would say spouse.
AlexI can do that.
MattieBecause they get really confused.
AlexWell, poop on them. Well, yeah, and I don't want to have to explain it to strangers. So spouse would be great. Right. No, exactly.
MattieI've never asked you to use husband, ever.
AlexBut I think... No, I'd like you to use spouse. But why not husband? Because I've never wanted you to use husband. Why not?
MattieBecause it's weird. Why is it weird? because it's a gross patriarchal word i do like saying my wife i know but again my way for strangers that's confusing and you should just
Alexsay spouse i and you are don't say you do because you don't actually i i agree with you 80 of the
Mattietime since you've come out i have i would say even in the last three months whenever we go out you say wife and i cringe you cringe yeah you say wife a lot when we're around people we don't know
Alexthere's no excuse for me doing that and i'm sorry it's okay again it's not okay it's just it's just around strangers i would like you to not that's all i know and i think i've been aware of it, which is why I tried husband tonight and was like, ugh. Yeah, and you never have to use that word.
Are you okay with using spouse for me, too? Yeah, of course. I guess it is the equality thing. Like, I've never wanted to be a man's wife, but I will be your spouse. You know what I mean? Yeah, I know.
I have to say, you being trans is like one of the least interesting things about you.
MattieI mean, I hope so, because it's not like I, while I am proud to be trans, it's not like I go out in the street and I'm like, ah, yes, today I feel the transness. I am the tran.
AlexI mean, who's even going to listen to this? Who do you think this is for?
MattieI hopefully think it's for people who want to learn more about exploring gender, honestly.
AlexWhen people say, are you a man, do you say yes or no?
MattieI mean, it depends on where I am. We've talked about this before. It depends on where I am in the situation. I if they understand and are educated on queer culture then I say transmasculine if not then I say FTM and I'm a man and my name is Matt around people who understand or are trying to understand then it's queer gender fluid transmasculine so it depends on who I am around in the situation
AlexI just, I don't know. Whenever I try to make something, I want it to be something that 12-year-old me would like. Because little, queer, unknowing 12-year-old Alex is lonely and sad and confused. and I I is it too lofty a goal to think that maybe this will help somebody heck no I think
Mattielike listening back on a lot of stuff that we've recorded so much of it is breaking down like gender stereotypes and um emotions regarding gender and like how we grew up and things like that a lot of our recordings when I listen back I'm like this has to be helpful to someone I don't identify as a binary man but I also don't want to be seen as
like classically feminine and more on the masculine side like I would have no problem on days that I am comfortable in my masculinity and the way I look putting on like some mascara and like everyday I put on like cover up to hide my acne and a lot of people on Tumblr are like, oh, you won't pass. Don't do that. Guys have acne. They don't cover up their face. But that's what makes me feel comfortable. Like, that's just toxic BS
masculinity right there. You don't always want to be seen
Alexas fully masculine?
MattieYes. But, gender is a spectrum. I am definitely more on the masculine side because that is how I feel more comfortable presenting myself. But, and I prefer he, him pronouns right now. A lot.
But I wouldn't mind, and I think eventually I'll be fine with they, them. And I've just been, and like, I think as I am more comfortable in my masculinity, I'm more comfortable with wearing, like, tighter fitting underwear and stuff that shows off my body more. And like, so yeah, I am not a binary man.
AlexPeople are so afraid to ask questions of people who are genderqueer, of people who are trans, Even now, people who are gay. And it's not the job of the queer community to educate everybody about gender and sexuality, but someone has to. And I don't know if we're the best people, too, but we can try.
MattieI think we're badass and we might not be the best people, but I think that we can definitely make a positive impact.
AlexYou're making it sound so good.
MattieAnd it's not necessarily that it's good or the best, but I think it's genuine and raw and honest.
AlexYeah, but I don't like those things.
MattieWell, they're already there.
AlexI know. What's it been like recording your transition with me? Like as we record this, it's been what, two years? Almost.
MattieI mean, it's been longer than two years that we've been recording. It's been at times frustrating, at times helpful and cathartic and a great release of emotions and at times really educational. What do you mean by educational? I read stuff and I learn stuff and I explore more about gender because of this podcast and I learn more about you and how you're feeling about gender because of this podcast.
AlexWhat do you think is the first thing people should know about folks who are transgender? Trans people are people. We're just people.
MattieI'm Mattie Cox.
AlexAnd I'm Alex Cox.
MattieThis is a show about gender, our minds, and transitions.
AlexWelcome to Two Headed Girl. We really appreciate you checking out this first episode, and we hope you listen more in the future. The music you heard is from Seth Boyer's album Half Lonely. Special thanks to our friends Kathy Campbell, Margaret Blackburn, Mark Bramhill, Cara Fagan, Kevin Budnick, and to our cats, who stopped stepping over our keyboards long enough for us to finish editing.
If you'd like to hear more, head over to twoheadedgirl.fm or subscribe anywhere you find your podcasts, including our favorite independent app, Overcast. If you could leave us a review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever, we'd really, really appreciate it. And if you want to be really nice, you could leave us a review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever. please reach out to us to tell us what you think ask us questions or you know send memes we're at
twoheadedgirlfm on twitter or email us at twoheadedgirlfm at gmail.com thanks again for listening
Why again? Because we're going to keep doing it and we're going to get it good. And yeah.
MattieI feel like we're on Veep right now where she has to do the same shit over and over again in front of the morning shows. And she's like, because we are of America, we are united, and there are states.
AlexThat's going to be the joke that goes to the end of this. Oh, God. You know me too well in my editing style much too well.