11. I Left My Tits in Michigan: Part 2
2020Show notes
In the second episode of our titty chop series, we discuss what post-op recovery is like the first week after surgery.
Content Warning: We use a lot of physical terminology about chests in this one.
Support the show on Patreon if you can! Please don't feel bad if you can't. It's a weird time.
In the first part of our titty chop series, Alex and Mattie discuss the process of pre-paring for top surgery.
No virus talk in this one! We only discuss getting rid of boobs.
Show Notes:
Transcript
Tap a timestamp or any sentence to play from there · machine transcribed (mlx:mlx-community/whisper-large-v3-turbo), expect mistakesMattieBlack Lives Matter, and this Pride Month, we're reflecting on all the Black trans elders who have fought to get us where we are today, especially the departing Marsha P. Johnson. Thank you to those of you who are here and those of you who are no longer with us. During this tumultuous time, we ask you to support and listen to more podcasts created by Black creators. We've listed some great ones in the show notes, including Chicago's own E3 Radio.
Also, we'd like to offer any queer Black folks thinking about starting a podcast to reach out, so we can help amplify your voices any way we can. Email us at twoheadedgirlfm at gmail.com.
AlexHi, I'm Alex Cox.
MattieAnd I'm Mattie Cox.
AlexThis is a queer podcast about gender, our minds, and all sorts of transitions.
MattieWelcome to Two Headed Girl.
Alexgirl it is the last night before your top surgery it it is yeah oh that was such a genuine smile i'm really excited i mean i know but i i guess i did not realize that you were not performing whatsoever and you were just so genuinely happy i really am yeah look at you being all vulnerable ...
Mattierecording well oh how the tables have turned so we drove five hours today to michigan it was quite a drive listened to lots of queer podcasts of course and it's just we i mean we've been talking about top surgery and like how long it's gonna take and how long we'll be apart and like all this stuff but I'm honestly I know I should be nervous but ever since I made like lists of
things to bring and like finished paying and got all that the paperwork and everything squared away I've just been really excited like I haven't been nervous I've been impatient yeah that's actually a
Alexvery good way of putting it. I think because both of us were so, we're, we're both like hypochondriacs. So we've both did so much research about every type of surgery, not every, but most types of surgery for, um, breast removal and even surgery, like bottom surgery stuff. And we're, I don't know, like all the medical stuff I'm not nervous about, but now we are kind of like, oh, how long are we gonna be a part and then yeah then you just said hey the last hour we're there we get to be together
Mattieand i was like oh oh yeah that's right i think the hardest part is gonna be for you because i'm gonna be it's true i'm gonna be asleep so that's true but you can play lots of pokemon i'm gonna
Alexplay so much pokemon i'm gonna be listening to so many podcasts i'm probably gonna be messaging
Mattiepeople who are sending me nice things i told everyone to message you so yeah that's so sweet
Alexyeah okay okay before you're like do you want to touch them one last time and i'm like what because again it is not as if there's nothing there but you i think you finally saw your body the way that it truly is for the first time because the like relief is so close yeah you
Mattieknow it's like you can almost exhale about it you know what i mean yeah no definitely yeah 100
Alexand as soon as i did it what what happened i said ow you pinched me because it was yeah it's just
Mattielike muscle it's a tiny bit of fat and muscle i have a very small chest it's like negative a it's very funny it used to be b cup 34b and now it's negative a i'm not oh i'm not gonna lie you
Alexyou had very very nice boobs but they went away very quickly like it was quick but slow you know
Mattiewhen there was fat redistribution which happens between six and nine months on testosterone oh it seemed like one month yeah no i wasn't able to start wearing just sports bras i want to say like because it made them flat enough until about nine months.
AlexOh, yeah. I mean, that makes sense. It's interesting because...
MattieMy chest literally went down like two sizes.
AlexWhen people ask, of course, people ask me this a lot, but I do solicit questions like this, and they often ask about, is it weird that he has a different chest? but your body sort of changed slowly with the testosterone as does everybody's as does
Mattieeverybody's but at different paces oh so you're saying because my change was so gradual that it affected you less because it wasn't like just bam five months on t full beard no boobs oh no i was
Alexthinking five months like there are a lot of people that have chests like similar to my size or larger that they like their boobs don't shrink as much and you know they wake up with something completely visually different and do you ever think about that like I I mean I've talked about
Mattieit in gender therapy a lot how I feel almost like less valid like why should I be able to get this surgery if my chest is so small and my doctor was like no that's stupid like you can still have chest dysphoria if you have small breasts like that is yeah I was about to say except for trans
Alexjealousy because that doesn't count um because yeah you you deserve this as much as anybody
Mattieyeah it just feels weird because I know it feels weird to me like I internalize the fact that people with bigger chests like it's so hard like for them to bind and even when they do bind they still have a bump and like I'm lucky enough that I can just wear a sports bra and be flat but see and I was trying to make this about me
AlexI wonder what it feels like to look down and see a completely different chest when there's such a drastic change because you will have a drastic change but it's like more the redistribution and the sculpting whereas like I get my titties chopped it's like you would be able to see
Mattieso much more of your body than is covered by tit.
AlexNo, and that's the thing. I'm not trying to, obviously I'm not trying to invalidate your experience.
MattieYou're just trying to talk about how different the experience would be for you.
AlexI shouldn't say the drastic differences. I should say the immediacy of the changes. You know what I mean? You've had a lot of changes, but over a longer period of time. And this is the final step in transitioning for your chest, at least. transitioning physically for me well you never know yeah um but like for for your chest unless you decide to get your nipples pierced which fine but uh no thanks well but if you don't have sensation honestly might as well go for it uh sorry no i'm serious i'm shaking my head i yeah
Mattiei'm just so excited for you i'm really excited too and i know i'm gonna be super super stoned
Alexand miserable tomorrow but we should record it oh yeah i mean you wouldn't be able to stop me
Speaker Ayour chest reveal is tomorrow and we'll talk more about that at some point i am curious about well we really we've talked about this a little bit how do you want to show your chest
Mattieonline that's a great question probably not till after i take a shower i
Speaker Adude i'm gonna be totally honest i thought that you would smell way worse
Mattiewhat no i'm serious like we can post a picture after i shower because then although like want to i don't know i think that's what i would like to do but considering i've been in a vest all week and haven't seen anything and know i smell and i'm sticky and gross like to rinse away all the the scabbies and the the goop would be nice
Alexno i guess i got i meant immediately sort of like hey bam no no not right after uh with my parents
Mattieyeah with like my family but not like with friends right yeah not like with the whole world right away yeah it would be cool to as we've shared every other part of my journey with people why not share this monumentous part basically i'm really anxious that i fuck something up like i moved let's talk about how i'm anxious that it's
and they're open and I'm gonna have no nipples and that looks super cool honestly and my there will be just giant holes in my scars and I'll be oozing and I'll have no nipples and it'll be terrible before we get into it what's a chest reveal oh uh where the vest that you've been wearing for a week gets opened and the doctor shows you what's underneath because
Alexafter surgery you don't get to see a shit yeah it's it's almost having like a plaster cast around
Mattieyou well how i explained it was it's like a compression shirt and underneath there's a bunch of pads of gauze but what it feels like is there's a very tight compression shirt and underneath a bunch of always period pads are stuck to you and the sticky side is the side that's touching
Alexyour skin you know what don't slander my always flex foam pads that's literally what it feels like i i will say they seem to be like generic shitty pads but what what makes you nervous
Mattieabout the reveal tomorrow well I literally haven't seen anything and I've just felt like more pain on one side than the other and you know you move around a lot in your sleep and just like I'm worried that things aren't where they're supposed to be you know like what if my nips are have moved what if I ripped a stitch what if I have an infection what if my drains got tugged out somehow like it's just it's almost all irrational because it's something I definitely
would have felt but it's still because there's so much uncertainty it's still there can you talk a
Alexlittle bit about what chest reveals are like and how your chest is going to look in terms of you
Mattieknow in a rational sense like the scabs oh crusty well i mean it's been healing it's wounds so there are two scars around where my pec muscles are and then uh two like nipple grafts on my chest what does that mean that means that they took my nipples and put them back on through a skin graft
Alexthe weirdest thing I've ever heard from a doctor maybe one of the weirdest things I've ever heard in my life was when your surgeon came out to tell me how great everything went that you know you it it actually went faster than he thought because you were in such good shape everything was wonderful doubted that you'd have any complications or hematomas and then he goes the uh the nipples
went back on great i just wasn't expecting like i know that that is what happens but he just said it in such a way i was like oh right yep the nipples came off and then they go back on and Yep. I'm glad they went back on. Great, I guess.
MattieI am just hoping that everything looks the way it should.
AlexWell, but isn't that kind of...
MattieNo, I meant is healthy. Like, I'm not talking about symmetry or straightness or any of that stuff that people, like, tend to pick apart in the first coming, like, weeks and months. Like, we can get into that later. like chest reveal is just like i want to make sure that nothing is infected and everything is healing nice and healthy that's what i'm most anxious about because again i haven't gotten to
Alexsee anything and all of all the things that you've felt are basically pain yeah the only thing you
Mattiefelt is physical discomfort also because i had such a small chest like any of the swelling under my vest is which is normal makes it look like my chest is still the same size because it's just swelling so whereas some people feel the gender euphoria right away because their chest is so much larger and then when they put on this vest they're like oh my god my chest is so much smaller um and they can just feel like they feel literally lighter right because their chest weighed so much
which I assume if you had top surgery would your each each chesticle of yours is a certain amount of poundage so you would probably feel a lot lighter um whereas I really I feel like I'm not experiencing any of that until I get my chest reveal like it almost doesn't feel like real
Alexand concrete do you think it won't feel real until like summertime because there will be swelling
Mattieand like your nipples are in their innies well no because I think I mean yes because of the swelling but I think like once I see everything and my chest is obviously more masculine and mask more masculinized from the surgery I think it will feel real again it's just because it's not like a lot of weight was taken off of my chest like this just feels like being very uncomfortable in a
typical binder basically um so my experience is different than other people's because I don't automatically feel lighter so seeing my chest is going to be the first time I'll be like damn this really happened also might make me happy cry might make me sad cry because it's a lot of
Alextrauma to your body yeah so who knows yeah your chest is bigger right now or not like with having all of those you know maxi pads on top yeah uh it it is actually kind of weird seeing your chest
Mattiesort of protrude out because it's all puffy from the the vest of gauze yeah yeah not even um because
Alexyou did di instead of peri so it isn't like your chest is swollen it's just that there's a bunch
Mattieof stuff on top of it well if your nipples menstruated you'd be set i mean yeah i would is there anything that happened recovery wise or the day of surgery because we've i mean we've been in this hotel room for a week uh the pain was way worse than i expected the first two days oh really yeah I was not expecting that much pain like nine out of ten the first day and same with the second day I'm glad I expected it I did not expect that um and since then it's fluctuated and
I'm just taking ibuprofen so it's not that bad at all I knew the first two days of recovery were the worst and very sore but like by the third day I was just taking ibuprofen and since then tomorrow's day six so but yeah the first two days were really rough and I guess that and like I knew the best was going to be bad because everyone complains about it I just didn't know how bad so it itchy tight hard to get comfy to sleep hard to move hard to take a deep breath hard to cough
those are the things I wasn't expecting for the first week after the day of surgery what about you? What were the things you didn't expect besides the nipples? Honestly, it's been everything I
Alexexpected, but less. Really? How so? You have been, like, you haven't really been moody. Like, you've been occasionally anxious about some stuff, reasonably so. You've been in pain, but less pain than I thought I I have to help you wash less than I even thought yeah I can I can wipe my own butt the yeah I was I was so ready to write wipe your ass um I watched tutorials oh my
Mattiegod yeah I guess with recovery I've been pretty lucky like I've had more pain on one side than the other but like I have pretty decent range of motion which I almost forget not to lift my arms yes which is bad don't lift your arms t-rex arms t-rex all the way
Alexyou know I'm I'm not worried well no I'm yeah I'm worried and concerned about you know post-op depression and stuff like that but I'm prepared for it one thing that I didn't know that I'd be bad at is helping you put on your coat yeah or just like shirts in general but like I'm better at shirts it's practice for when we have a kid it's saw but well a kid though you can put in
like wrangle one arm and then do the other arm no I mean depends how little they are yeah it's Yeah, you're right. Yeah. No, it's like, it's such a delicate, slow process that looks super awkward in public. You know, like I'm like this dainty, like you're a dainty duchess and I'm like, oh, yeah, you are, sir. But no, I don't, I don't know. Is there anything that I have done that has surprised you?
Mattieno you've been great like I mean I would not feel like a human being like a clean human being without you wiping my face and my arms with baby wipes and putting deodorant on me every day like oh that's been the best you've been a very good caretaker and it's been a lot easier I feel
Alexlike to do that stuff than I really expected yeah I am surprised at how well uh dry shampoo works is that what's yeah it's awesome i was like good shit get some dry shampoo yeah it's like i don't
Mattiereally understand how it works dry shampoo baby wipes and some kind of acne wipe if you are prone
Alexto acne three necessities of top surgery oh the i actually i have something the most pleasant surprise was that you can hug me and you've been able to hug me like more each day I expected not to hug you for like a month because that's something that a lot of people say that you know it's really hard because you can't hug anybody again I think it's a benefit because my chest was so small and that made that was such a pleasant surprise and I kind of teared up the first time
because you couldn't the first few days which is totally reasonable and then you were like can i hug you and i'm like can you and yeah that was that was one of my favorite parts too
Mattiethank you for listening to this episode of Two Headed Girl if you like what you heard You can support us at patreon.com slash twoheadedgirl, or subscribe anywhere you get your podcasts. Like our favorite independent app, Overcast, created by Marco Arment. Marco, thank you for being an ally and a friend. Black lives matter, and we promise we won't let anyone forget that.
But apparently this is a very good STP for people with thicker thighs. Oh really?
Speaker BI'm not sure I understand.
MattieSiri don't like those thick thighs.
AlexNo! I would like to think that Siri likes a thick...